Proud to be an American

I have a new Most Prized Possession. So long Reggie Jackson rookie card. Sayonara grandpa’s gold pocket watch. Adios Ace of Base poster.


Dead to me.

Remember that post I wrote a while back about a little music video I ordered called America We Stand As One? Well guess what came in the mail today, about twice as fast as I thought it would?

That’s right. I haven’t been this excited since Christmas Day 1980.

Are you as tingly with anticipation as I was?

I was floored by the packaging. I thought I would get an impersonal-computer-generated-assembly-line mailer, but no. This was handwritten. Handwritten with loving care.


Could this be the handwriting of Danger himself?

A wonderful heart-balloon-shaped thing sprouting out of the “L” in “Love” was drawn on the margins of the package. Another, smaller, heart-shaped-spermy balloon floated below, and above was two 4-fingered paw print-type things. Doth my eyes deceive me, or is Madalone an ar-teest as well as a stuntman, rocker, and humanitarian?


Wherever Madalone’s name is, there is an American flag nearby.

After I documented the packaging with my digital camera, all the while giggling to myself like a schoolgirl with a secret, I grabbed the scissors and carefully opened the package.

This is when the true joy began. I expected to just dump out a DVD. But no, I also received the CD single. I had requested both with the donation I sent, but I didn’t think I would get BOTH! Dennis is so generous!

But what’s this? Wasn’t that enough? NO! Dennis actually personalized the cover of the DVD!

OH HAPPY DAY!

It reads, “AARON, YOUR HEART (heart drawing) IS (the “I” dotted with another paw print thingy) FULL OF GOODNESS (underlined twice). For All of OUR LOVED ONE’S (underlined twice). always Believe (“i” dotted with paw print). Dennis (“i” dotted with paw print) Madalone (heart balloon person thingy)”


I do Believe Dennis. I do.

But my friends, IT STILL WAS NOT OVER. He personalized the LYRICS INSERT and the actual God-blessed DVD too!

The lyrics insert reads, “AARON, Keep on Being (dotted with paw print) you (underlined twice). Love Dennis (sixth paw print and another spermy heart)”


I’ll do my best, Denny good man.

The DVD reads, “for the WORLD (underlined twice). Dennis (seventh paw print) and (heart) Linda (eighth paw print) and (heart) MOM (third spermy heart)”


I’ve never kissed a man, but I’m considering some tonsil hockey with Dennis.

Finally, I also received an America We Stand As One business card, which was also personalized, “AARON, thank you (fifth double-underline). Dennis (unprecedented ninth paw print AND fourth spermy heart)


There aren’t enough spermy hearts in the world to express my feelings, Dennis.

I know in my other post about America We Stand As One I doubted Dennis’ spiritual message from our Loved Ones. But after being touched by all of this heartfelt personalization, I really feel as if my heart is a white, fluffy cloud wherein firemen shake hands for eternity. And I didn’t even lose any Loved Ones in any of the events on 9/11 or since.

Is it fair that I feel so much love? I submit that it is not!

Dennis Madalone has made me a believer. I am converted. Thank you Dennis for restoring my faith in the human spirit. For curing me of cynicism if just for a few moments. And for giving me hope and belief in this not-so-perfect-but-damn-well-worth-standing-up-for country of ours.

A little country I like to call the USAAAAAAAYYYY!

C’mon kids! Let’s all stand as one! How ‘bout it?


Dennis, you’re a little slice of heaven, and I want the whole enchilada!

*I almost forgot*

On the DVD there is a credit track that lists everyone who worked on the making of. But the awesome part is the music that plays during the credits is a KARAOKE VERSION of America We Stand As One! So next time you come over to my apartment, guess what we're doing!

Sweater’s Favorite Things® Vol. 1

Because I’m lazy, have real work to do and because you people are so demanding, I’m posting one of my Favorite Things® I’ve ever read, not written. This was an article published in the Portland Mercury exactly four years ago.

I loved it so much, I saved it. I now pass the genius on to you.

Enjoy.


HEY! LOOK AT DIS CHEEKIN!
by Armand Melwicki


Photo by Satan

Oh, mama! Look at dis cheekin. Hey, dis is one good-lookin’ cheekin, let me tell you! Dis right here? Dis is a "finger-leekin’ cheekin." Ah-Ha! HA-HA-HAAAA! Yessssss. No. I wouldn’t eat dis cheekin. I love dis cheekin. Hey, you want to know something? It’s a funny thing about cheekins. They don’t hurt nobody. Nobody ever been hurt by the cheekin. What are they gonna do? Peck you to death? They gonna scratch you? "Oh! Oh! Help me! Help me! Dis mean cheekin, he scratch out my eyes!" Hoo-Hooo! HA! No, I'm kidding. He won’t hurt you. Dis cheekin? He’s a niiiice cheekin.

Another funny...okay, no. Another interesting thing about the cheekin, okay? All parts of the cheekin can be used in the man-u-facturing. All parts. The Haitians? They use the cheekin feets for the voodoo. The cheekin feathers? You can make the skirt out of those. The cheekin head? Wellllllll, I don’t know... maybe you can make the ring? For the finger? A cheekin-head ring? I tell you what, though! That's one ugly ring! Ah-HA! Ah-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA! No, no, no, no, no, no. Yes.

Ahhhh, but life. It’s a good thing with a cheekin around, no? What I mean to say is, you wake up in the morning, yes? You have to go to stupid job. The wife? She hate you. The kids? They got no respect. Ahhhhh, but then! But then hop, hop, hop! Here comes the cheekin! And the cheekin says "cheep!cheep!cheep!" and you say "peep!peep!peep!" and everything? Why, she’s okay again! The job? She’s not so bad! The wife? She's not so ugly! The kids? Well, the kids... they still no good. But the cheeeeeeekin. Yes. The cheeeeeeeekin, that's what makes life good. Ah, yes. Thank you, Mr. Cheekin. Thank you for making everything good.

Sweater’s Most Wanted

I have a secret admirer.

Keyword: “Secret.”

I hate secrets. When I see people whispering the muscles in my hand involuntarily tighten into a fist. I suspect had I lived in the old West, I would have shot a man for merely stopping his conversation at the same moment I entered the room.


I’m related to the Earps. Ask me how!

So when I got to work one morning not too long ago and found a CD on my desk with a note that read, “AARON—WILL YOU BE MY ‘CHARLES’ LOVE, YOUR SECRET ADMIRER” I knew I had to find out who did it.


The crime scene. Click for larger image.


The rest of my desk. Notice Richard Petty
and the bottle of champagne in the AC/DC coozy.


Mr. T on the first floor, The Jesus Karate Band upstairs.
They all say they saw nothing.

The CD had one track, the theme song from the ’80s sitcom “Charles In Charge.” So this secret admirer wanted me to be their Scott Baio. They wanted me to be in charge of the their days and their nights. To be in charge of their wrongs and their rights. You know, this is something I can do. I like being in charge. I also would like to have Scott Baio’s dating resumé. But that’s beside the point.


Holy mackerel! You look amazing Pam!
Get it? Mackerel? Let’s make out.

Anyway, after a shakedown email to a few suspects, no one ’fessed up. The email was a move I would regret, because it quickly started a copycat crime. Soon after I sent the email I received an anonymous Scot Baio portrait, The Ballad of Scott Baio and an email in my name with the address scottbaioisnumberone@hotmail.com.

So like a good renegade cop with a dislocated shoulder and no one to live for, I decided that I had to put on some more pressure. And how I did that was with a little tactic I like to call reverse psychology. I pretended like I didn’t care, and just let the guilt and the internal suffering of the crook smoke ‘em out.


”Cosby! You want to tell me why I just got chewed out by the commisioner?!?”

Well you know what chief? It worked like a charm. The perp who gave me the portrait confessed. Same with the balladeer. Two different people. Both of whom I retaliated upon by anonymously leaving them each a David Hasselhoff 2005 calendar.


July is going to be a very good month.

I was beginning to see this was a network of professionals. But with my Ben Matlock-esque prowess, this web of criminals was unraveling like a cheap gym sock.

I thought it would be over in a matter of hours. But the creator of the CD and email are mysteriously still at large. That’s why I’ve had to call in the big gun. John Mothergrabbin’ Walsh.


“My eyes can penetrate your soul! SKEEEEAWWWWAH!”

Know this Evildoers. John Walsh is hot on the case. He and the late-night-syndicated-TV-watching Americans will not rest until you’re begging for forgiveness on death row to Susan Sarandon.

But if you’re a real secret admirer, and not like, a dude, then just let me know, okay? We’ll grab a drink after work, say, Wednesday night.

And don’t worry. I won’t forget my mackerel.


The Jesus Karate Band has put a cease to their rocking until this case is closed.

The Jesus Karate Band:
Jesus—triangle, harp, pyrotechnics
Blue Belt—bass
Pink Belt—lead guitar
Chuck the SuperGuppy—vocals, keyboards
Root Bear—percussion, frosty beverages
Foose the HandiCapable—rhythym guitar, crying

4-21: National Damn Day

CAN I GET A DAMN?

Yesterday was 4-20. That was fun for the potheads. Today is 4-21, National Damn Day. It’s a very obscure holiday that I and some of my buddies in college came across when we found some old manuscripts in a cave along the Lewis & Clark trail. After finding these artifacts, we decided to bring the holiday back to life. We also ran out of toilet paper, so we used the manuscripts, which were surprisingly soft, then buried them, so that bears would not eat us.

Today is the only day of the year everything can be damned without consequences. Damn whatever you want. Go buck wild with your damn self. Most people don’t know this, but on any other day of the year anything you damned would be condemned to an eternity in the fiery depths of hell. Yes, that’s how powerful the word "damn" is. That’s why we only use it when talking about damn Zach Braff or damn Natalie Portman. I mean, we don’t want everybody to go to hell, do we?

For more on the history of "D-Day" I turn it over to my dear friend, co-founder of The Damn Papers, damn historian and Damn Day observer, Dr. J.T. Nice III.


“The first Damn Day was celebrated by our founding fathers the day after the Puritans decided to puff the ganja. In the words of our Amos Whitley (1793)


our Amos Whitley

‘Wherefore we have come tither, we shall not partake of the inhalation of a controlled substance. No, in inhalation’s stead we shall curse. We shall curse and be free from retribution. Our sons shall curse and work the fields with a clean conscious!’

I and my young son will celebrate by having our holiday Spam and swearing. He is learning ‘da da’ and already knows ‘ma ma’ so he basically knows all the parts of the word. He just needs to get them in the right order.”


So there you have it folks. If you are in the Las Vegas area, I would suggest celebrating at the Hoover Dam. While you’re there, ask the dam tour guide if the Hoover Dam is in fact a "God dam."

Live it up.

Damn it all.

It’s your damn right.

DAMN!

Sweater’s Subway Tales® Vol. 1

Hello boys and girls. Welcome to my first installment of Sweater’s Subway Tales®. No, these are not stories about the delicious sandwiches enjoyed by Jared and Clay Henry. These are stories about interesting things that happen while I am on New York’s MTA Subway.


Clay Henry: Scoring Jared’s sweet sloppy seconds

Lots of fun stuff happens on the subway. Like the time I saw a guy take a big hit off a can of compressed air and pass out. Or the time during morning rush hour when a girl fainted right in front of me. Or the time I got frisked on the platform by a cop because my ex-girlfriend would not exit the station (she was mad at me).

Tonight something else fun happened. I got on the A train at Canal headed to Brooklyn. I sat down and was about to open my book when I noticed the fella sitting across from me was doing the Tom Cruise Hands from the movie Minority Report.


“C’mon! Vogue! No, don’t open Photoshop! Vogue dammit! Vogue!”

Remember that ridiculous maestro hand dance he did in that movie? The one that made us all completely crack up in unison because of how utterly gay it was?

That’s right. That’s what this guy was doing. After a few minutes of this, I was completely convinced he was surfing the web OF THE FUTURE!

But let’s get back to Minority Report.That was such a retarded scene. Tom Cruise would lead us to believe that when he uses the computer he puts on some classical music, dims the lights, then proceeds to wave his hands around like a sugarplum fairy. Then he would take these GIGANTIC discs and move them to other areas of the computer.

So, let me get this straight Steven Spielberg. In the future I can move information on a transparent screen by prancing around like Brian Boitano, but you’re telling me I am going to have to move floppy discs the size of TV trays from one end of the room to the other every minute or so? Riiiiight.

Maybe I shouldn’t blame Steven Spielberg or the Computer of the Future for the fruitiness. It’s true Tom Cruise does have a history of making things gay. Well, the Interpretive Hand Dance of the Future was the gayest thing Tom Cruise had done in a long time. In fact it was so gay, I’m sure that kid from the 1989 movie The Wizard could kick Cruise’s ass with a few flicks of the radical keypad on his NES Power Glove.


“Prepare to meet your old pal Goose, b*tch!”

On second thought, it wouldn’t have mattered if they had cast Clint Eastwood to do the computer dance—even he would’ve looked like a Nancy. I mean, that’s probably the WORST idea for the future there is, right?

Well…

As I was doing a little research before writing this post, I serendipitously came across this article from the Wall Street Journal written a few days ago about this very subject.

A woman named Pamela Barry thinks the Tom Cruise Finger Mitten Dance is a great idea. So great in fact, she hunted down John Underkoffler, the guy who dreamt it up for the movie, to help her develop it for military use. That’s right. She wants our Real American Heroes to kill Evildoers with jazz hands.

“Your hand becomes a Swiss Army knife,” Underkoffler says.

Oh really Johnny? A Swiss Army knife?

Somebody bring me my Power Glove. I’ve got some ass-kicking to do.

I’m a patriot, are you?

Well, I’d like you all to know I did my patriotic duty today. My duty as a tax-paying, French-hating American citizen. And let me tell you, this puts to shame any GOD BLESS AMERICA bumper sticker, Will Ferrell thong or AIDS quilt you could throw at me.


nice try, grandma

I donated my hard-earned money, and in return will be receiving Dennis Madalone’s “America We Stand As One” music video on DVD in 3-4 weeks.

You may be asking, “Coz, why tells us about your donation?” And to that I answer, “because I like to brag.” You may also be asking, “Why not just donate. Why do YOU need to receive something in return?” And to that I answer, “eff you, Nazi.”

Giving generously only to receive goods and services in tenfold is the American way. Because if you’re asking America to change, then you’re asking America to park our H3T, put down our 64oz. Mountain Dew and come over there and whoop your commie ass for treason. Are we clear, amigo?


lemme turn down my Toby Keith CD first

Also, how dare you for trying to keep anybody from an “American Rock Anthem [that] fills you full of hope and comforts you with a spiritual message from our Loved Ones, that they’re still with us, but in a different way.” (americawestatndasone.com)

Wait a second. Did they just say what I quoted? Let me check. Yep. Are they f**ing NUTS???

That’s a mighty big promise, especially coming from ex-Star Trek stunt coordinator gone Homeland Security Rocker Dennis “Danger” Madalone. I mean, thanks for raising money for a good cause Denny, but if I’m reading this correctly, you’re saying that you have a spiritual message from my Loved Ones that will fill me full of hope and comfort me!?!

You?

Denny Madalone?

My Loved Ones chose you, of all people, to speak to me?


“They call me Madalone. Danger Madalone.”

And what did they tell you to say? “That they’re still with us in a different way?” Jeez, thanks Denny for telling me something I didn’t already learn on any given episode of Highway to Heaven. Does that mean somebody’s dead fireman dad was speaking to Michael Landon every Sunday night on NBC in the late ’80s?


“Whoa, Denny’s pretty high up on that rock!”

Oh, by the way folks, when you look at the video you may think you’re looking at Steve Perry from Journey, but nope that’s Dennis Madalone. A guy with not one iota of musical history. None. Where does a guy like this get off making music in the name of America’s Dead People? I don’t know what century you’re in Denster, but around here you have to at least get runner-up on American Idol to have those kind of privileges.


the wheel in the sky keeps on killing our Loved Ones

But you lucked out this time Denny old man.

I mean, these are some genius lyrics. the USAAAAAAAYYYYY / Amer-ack-ugh, we stand as one / the USAAAAAAAYYYYY

Not to mention you selected a chord progression that no one has ever tapped: Em / C / G / D, and all in 4/4 time no less! (I figured it out in two seconds. Now you can impress your friends and hot chicks at parties and camping trips. You’re welcome.)

And how about that video. That’s the best debut video I’ve ever seen. “Danger,” you and your director Rob may-as-well-be-Steven-Freaking-Spielberg Bowman have actually checked off almost everything on the Billboard List Of What It Takes To Rock An American Rock Anthem Video™ list. Check it out:

Becoming possessed by Loved Ones’ spirits: CHECK
Moon 10 times the size of actual moon: CHECK
Singing to no one in particular while atop a rock: CHECK
Getting washed away by an American flag ocean wave: CHECK
Moving the Statue of Liberty to some other random body of water: CHECK
Hand-shaking firemen in a cloud: CHECK
Silhouetted face singing to the sky like a turkey drowning in the rain: CHECK
Making a black child’s head glow with touch of hand on playground: CHECK
Extra tight, torn blue jeans: CHECK
Magically turning boring rock formation into Mt. Rushmore: CHECK
Hitting the high notes right behind a wife and child who are at the cemetery mourning their dead husband and father: CHECK
Making sure you have an American flag(s) with you at all times: CHECK
Beheading a Canadian:

Oh, so close Denny. So close.

Well, with such a great effort, and the fact that it’s for charity, I can’t keep from forgiving you. Come here you no-talent-Steve-Perry-looking-USA-tank-top-wearing-Trekky-nerd-musical-trainwreck. I love you. And I love AMERICA!

The USAAAAAAAYYYYY!

* America We Stand As One and Dennis Madalone did not authorize or assist in the production, creation, or concept behind alternative “spoof” videos of America We Stand As One. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY IMITATIONS!

**Sorry I only have one crappy Dennis Madalone photo. They’re hard to find. Maybe I’ll be able to post some once I get the DVD.

Call this my “PUPPY”

Can we all agree that the word “blog” is the lamest, most unappealing word in the history of mankind? That's why I'm no longer referring to this personal site where I post musings to its old name, which I will never speak again.

For now, I will refer to this as my puppy. “Puppy” is a much more pallatable word, don’t you think?


Everyone loves a puppy!

Now we can say, “hey, have you read Harry’s puppy today? He puppied about how much he hates baths! It was hilarious! I love his puppy, that dirty dog!”

Did you notice how nice it sounded even when used as a verb?

I will however be accepting ideas on better words. If you have an idea, post a comment to this post. Once we all decide on a better word, we’ll take it to Bill Gates and make him accept the new word.


red tape

If he doesn’t accept it, we’ll put the new word in a starving African child’s hand and leave him on Bill Gates’ doorstep.


For the kids Bill. The kids.

If that doesn’t work, we’ll wrap the new word in cash money. Or rubies.


Now are we speaking your language?

If that doesn’t work...well...we’ll think of something.


Like giving rubies to a baby!

Fate Brought Me A Hero

On a beautiful Seattle summer day in 2002, I and my partner in cri…uh, advertising, Fishcakes, were buried deep in the archives of a recording studio looking for the perfect music for the first television commercial I’ve ever written (Fishcakes already had done a few).

At that exact moment but many, many years earlier and a little later in the summer on a September Fifth in Los Angeles, California, a hero was born.

#

Fishcakes and I were in the middle of editing this commercial we had produced for a major athletic apparel company. It was a spoofy training-montage commercial, where Marshall Faulk, running back for the St. Louis Rams runs a JV kid into the ground. We had just the right music in mind. Aspiring Butt Rock.

But finding Aspiring Butt Rock without having to pay royalties out the ass to RATT or The Scorpions or Dokken is harder said than done.


money grubbing dream killers

We went through nearly every non-royalty-fee CD that the studio had, but we couldn’t find anything. The editor and our boss decided to edit in some music that sounded less like Aspiring Butt Rock and more like Aspiring To Eat Beef, Which Is What’s For Dinner Music. You know that Beef song? That grand symphony music? Yeah, it sounded like that, with a little Rocky theme peppered in.


gonna rib eye now!

Looking at the edit, I wasn’t satisfied. Something beckoned me back to the archives for one more look-see through the stacks of music. I went back and…eureka! There it was. “Sweet Victory” was the title of the track, and it was perfect. It was as if God shined his God Flashlight right down into that studio and led me to the nugget of Aspiring Royalty-Free Butt Rock Goodness.

I poured over the liner notes, looking for who may have written this enchanting piece of art, and there his name gleamed, inked in the glossy insert: DAVID GLEN EISLEY. And at that magic moment, I realized David Glen Eisley was my hero, baby. He would kiss away my pain. He would stand by me forever. He would take my breath away.

I hurried back to the editing suite with my saving grace. We edited it in and it was magnificent. The subtle ironies of bold lyrics like sweet victory / it's ours for the taking / it's ours for the fight and driving power chords against a kid face-planting into the sand with a log on his shoulders was glorious.

But oh, fate, you had the last laugh didn’t you? For the clients at the major athletic company thought the music was too SILLY and went with the Beef Music instead.

So the commercial was ruined, but not all was lost. I had found a hero.

David Glen Eisley is a rocker. Okay, was a rocker. But he rocked hard. But not too hard. Just hard enough. Not many rockers know how much rock is just the right amount. But those who do ROCK. And friends, David Glen Eisley ROCKS.


you dare doubt DGE’s rockability?

The great thing about DGE is that he’s not just a rocker. He’s a multi-faceted talent machine. He’s been on TV. Not just any TV. Beverly Freaking Hills 90210. He’s been in movies. He starred with Brian Bosworth in a little something that graced silver screens for 3 or 4 days in 1991 you may have heard of called Stone Cold.

He’s married to Olivia Hussey, the hottie Juliet from the 1968 film Romeo & Juliet.


“Wherefore art thou, rock balladeer?”

How did DGE win this sultry Shakespearian? “It was a chance meeting of eyes across a crowded restaurant,” he says on his website. That’s how much of a hero DGE is. His EYES rock famous hot chicks into his lap.


DGE eyes + hot chick = DGE lap. You do the math.

But we haven’t even got to the softer side of DGE. He rocks out in the name of kids learning their multiplication tables. Heck yes he does!


rocking math like a poison-spitting hurricane

Oh yeah! Can someone tell me how to petition Webster’s Dictionary to add a D, G and extra E to the word “hero?” Because I will right now. Just listen to some of those audio clips on “Dr. Dave’s Rockin’ Math” CD please. now we’re doin’ the Elevens / whoa oh oh / right now / eleven times one is / ELEVEN... Say Webster’s, can we add a D, and an extra G and E to the word “genius” while we’re at it?

Here’s to you DGE. You’re a hero for us all. Every man, every woman, every child. You’re DGE!


“Thank you Cheboygan!”

***REPRISE***

A few months after our commercial had run its course, my boss told me he had heard “Sweet Victory” while watching Spongebob Square Pants with his kids.“Maybe you’re cooler than I thought,” he said to me. Well, a lot of good that does now. But I least I know DGE’s “Sweet Victory” will finally make a difference...for the world!


the winner takes all!
(click on Spongebob to hear “Sweet Victory”)

Stick to baseball questions ONLY

I was in the men’s room reading the latest ESPN magazine today, and I have to say, professional athletes are some of the dumbest, most boring people on the planet.

Case in point: ESPN’s “Icebreaker” article. Basically a quarter-page Q & A with a pro athlete. Here it is verbatim. I’ve also added some comments the interviewer was thinking at the time, in parentheses. How do I know what the interviewer was thinking? Just trust me on this one.


ICEBREAKER

Brett Myers, Pitcher, Phillies


I pitch baseball! Yay!

LAST MOVIE YOU SAW I can’t even tell you, it’s been so long. When you have a 2-year-old at home, it’s kind of tough to get out.

(Hey Brett, Just come up with something, okay? You’re being interviewed for a major national publication. It doesn’t matter what it was, as long as it wasn’t Garden State. That movie sucked. And if your miniscule brain would’ve understood the question correctly, I wasn’t asking what was the last movie you saw IN THEATERS, rather simply what was the last movie you saw PERIOD. So, if what you say is true, that “it’s kind of tough to get out,” I imagine you’re watching a lot of movies on DVD or VHS or HBO or something, right? So what the f**k was it Brett? What was the last movie you saw? This isn’t rocket science! In fact I’ll take Rocket Science as an answer, and I don’t even know if that’s a real movie or not.)

ELMO OR BARNEY Elmo. Not Barney. I hate Barney, can’t even watch him. Elmo on Sesame Street, that I’ll watch.

(Okay, an answer. Good Brett. Good boy. Here’s a Milk Bone. Note to self: Brett is better at multiple choice questions than open-ended ones. Scratch that. He’s good at either/or questions. I’m not sure that I want to introduce multiple choices. If I do, I could have a major breakdown on my hands. Also note questions dealing with children television programming may be an area I want to come back to if things get too complicated.)

SUPERHERO YOU WOULD BE Probably the Incredible Hulk, just because he’s a monster. He’s strong and can do everything. Just to be ripped like that. And I grew up watching it everyday on TV. Plus, if anyone pissed me off in the clubhouse, I could rip out of my shirt.

(I really sensed I should stick with the cartoon questions and I was right. An actual answer. Picking up quite a few homo-erotic overtones in his answer: wanting to be ripped and wanting to rip out of his shirt in front of a group of men. Also it’s evident that his teammates are making fun of him in the clubhouse, perhaps because he has a small package?)

FIRST JOB I’ve only had one. When I was 15, I worked in a car wash. The manual-labor stuff was not good. Bending over a car from 7 in the morning until 5 in the afternoon? That’s not fun.

(You’ve had only ONE FIRST JOB? No f**king way! Hey Brett, I’ve had like 74 first jobs! Motherf**ker this guy’s a tool! And again, note more homo-erotic tendencies: bending over a car from 7 to 5. I have a hunch that bending over was not the un-fun part of that job for Brett.)

FIRST GIRLFRIEND I have no idea when it was. What’s a good age to say? I want to seem cool. I was 2. Yeah, that’s it. I saw her swinging on the monkey bars at preschool and made my move! Well, not really.

(Again, this knob has no sense of time. Ever heard of a watch or a calendar or f**king birthdays Captain Lightbulb? Even Tom Forrest-Freaking-Gump Hanks was able to check off the days with feces on the side of a slab of rock to tell how long he’d been in that dammed FedEx commercial of a movie Castaway. And there’s NO WAY you were in preschool at age 2 Copernicus. Jeez, at least get your preschool age correct. I mean you say you have a 2-year-old at home, so is that Baby Einstein in preschool yet? And you have to make pretend for your first girlfriend? Are you kidding me? Was life that much of a whirlwind for you man? Did you not know that coming here today we were going to ask you some bullsh*t questions about your life? Maybe you should’ve called your mom before you got into the limo to come over here, or were you too busy bending over it?)



Man that interviewer is a real jerk, huh?

Ladies, have you given up?

No, no. Don’t tell me. I just need a quick look at you.

I know you’re probably thinking I must be some kind of chauvinist jerk to claim that I can tell just by looking at a woman whether she’s given up on life or not. But I can, okay? Can you just accept that I have a gift? And if you’ll stop your whining for two seconds I’ll tell you my secret. Are you done?

Alright. Here it is: It’s all in the hairdo.

That’s right. I don’t need to look at your ring finger. I don’t need to see how many car seats you have in the backseat nor do I need to read some boring suicide note you’ve just written. Just show me your hair. If you’ve got the mom haircut, that’s all I need to know.


threw in the towel

Now I don’t have a problem with actual moms having mom haircuts. In fact, that’s a good idea. Men, encourage your wife and mother of your children to get the mom haircut. It’s like OFF!™ spray, but instead of repelling insects it repels other men.

Hey! Stop scoffing! I’m not just some ass saying this. American Freaking Baby.com is saying the same thing. In fact they say the mom haircut is Mommy Milestone #5. I shit you not.

The problem with the mom haircut is that single, childless women continue to opt for this horrendous hairstyle. Someone somewhere (I’ll go out on a limb and say Oprah) is telling women that this haircut is not only acceptable, but that it is cute and attractive. Ladies, listen to me when I say that NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.


evil, barren, bitter purveyor of lies!

Getting the mom haircut if you are not a mom is UNNATURAL. Men are visual. We pick up on visual cues you give us to let us know if you are available. Hence the invention of miniskirts, push-up bras and Paris Hilton. And if you want more evidence, look no further than the animal world. Females change color, make strange yipping sounds and emit odors to let males know they’re available. You don’t see animals in the wild trying their darnedest to look like they’re NOT in heat. Can you imagine a female baboon hiding her enflamed posterior because some other rich, loud-mouthed baboonette with her own afternoon TV show told her to? No. You would never see that. Why? BECAUSE THAT IS INSANE.


two things that should never go together:
the mom haircut and devil fingers

This is the same reason you never see single men driving minivans. Minivans do not say “hey ladies! I’m flying solo tonight, so hop on in.” No, they say, “uh what’s that honey? Milk? We need milk? Okay. And tampons? Again? Okay, okay.”


neutered dad on board!

Please know that I am not doing this for my own benefit. I have many close female friends that have fallen for this lie and it’s a very, very sad thing to see happen. I only give this public service announcement because of my unconditional care for these women. If this happens to keep one single woman from getting the mom haircut, and in turn having a boyfriend, who may or may not be me, then this has all been worth it.

To further my point, I spent countless hours on the internet looking for photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt with short hair, and I have not found a single one.

***UPDATE***

Okay, a few hours later I found one, but c’mon. She could have wet paper bag for hair and she’d still be hot.

I HAVE 24 HOURS TO LIVE

April Fools! Ha! Gotcha! Had ya there for second, huh?

If you didn’t know it already, it’s April Fool’s Day, the one day of the year everyone’s allowed to be funny, even people who aren’t funny the other 364 days of the year. I blame April Fool’s Day for the existence of things like rubber chickens, whoopee cushions and Wayne Brady.


not funny


still not funny


on second thought, rubber chickens are a riot!

Oh, and chalk up the utterly lame act of wearing a lampshade to April Fool’s Day while you’re at it.


I’m (the one who sucks) the life (out) of the party!

But no one enjoys April 1st more than Dave Coulier. Yes, that’s correct, even more than Carrot Top.


making John Stamos’ career look respectable

I am sure Dave, riddled with anticipation the night before, stays awake giddy about the barrage of totally terrific gags he will assault America with.


“Hey everybody! I can see Bob Saget’s butt!”

Don’t think this guy didn’t load up the days before at Ye Olde Magic Shoppe, spending hours deciding between plastic flies or plastic roaches. "Seltzer bottle?" CHECK. "Squirting flower?" CHECK. "Exploding paper snake in peanut can?" CHECK AND DOUBLE CHECK.

I mean can you imagine what a laugh riot it would be to have Dave Coulier living with you?

You: Hey, who left this banana peel on the floor?

Dave: Oops! Don’t slip! Ha!

You: Could you throw it away please?

Dave: CUT IT OUT! (Accompanied with hilarious hand motion)


AUDIENCE LAUGHS ALONG WITH OLSEN TWINS

It would be non-stop hilarity. And by non-stop I mean non-existent.

Well Dave Coulier, enjoy your day. This is what you were born for.


“Uncle Joey, you’re a...wait for it...JACKASS!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...eecccccchhh.