Sweater’s Favorite Things® Vol. 1

Because I’m lazy, have real work to do and because you people are so demanding, I’m posting one of my Favorite Things® I’ve ever read, not written. This was an article published in the Portland Mercury exactly four years ago.

I loved it so much, I saved it. I now pass the genius on to you.

Enjoy.


HEY! LOOK AT DIS CHEEKIN!
by Armand Melwicki


Photo by Satan

Oh, mama! Look at dis cheekin. Hey, dis is one good-lookin’ cheekin, let me tell you! Dis right here? Dis is a "finger-leekin’ cheekin." Ah-Ha! HA-HA-HAAAA! Yessssss. No. I wouldn’t eat dis cheekin. I love dis cheekin. Hey, you want to know something? It’s a funny thing about cheekins. They don’t hurt nobody. Nobody ever been hurt by the cheekin. What are they gonna do? Peck you to death? They gonna scratch you? "Oh! Oh! Help me! Help me! Dis mean cheekin, he scratch out my eyes!" Hoo-Hooo! HA! No, I'm kidding. He won’t hurt you. Dis cheekin? He’s a niiiice cheekin.

Another funny...okay, no. Another interesting thing about the cheekin, okay? All parts of the cheekin can be used in the man-u-facturing. All parts. The Haitians? They use the cheekin feets for the voodoo. The cheekin feathers? You can make the skirt out of those. The cheekin head? Wellllllll, I don’t know... maybe you can make the ring? For the finger? A cheekin-head ring? I tell you what, though! That's one ugly ring! Ah-HA! Ah-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA! No, no, no, no, no, no. Yes.

Ahhhh, but life. It’s a good thing with a cheekin around, no? What I mean to say is, you wake up in the morning, yes? You have to go to stupid job. The wife? She hate you. The kids? They got no respect. Ahhhhh, but then! But then hop, hop, hop! Here comes the cheekin! And the cheekin says "cheep!cheep!cheep!" and you say "peep!peep!peep!" and everything? Why, she’s okay again! The job? She’s not so bad! The wife? She's not so ugly! The kids? Well, the kids... they still no good. But the cheeeeeeekin. Yes. The cheeeeeeeekin, that's what makes life good. Ah, yes. Thank you, Mr. Cheekin. Thank you for making everything good.