Sweater’s Subway Tales® Vol. 1

Hello boys and girls. Welcome to my first installment of Sweater’s Subway Tales®. No, these are not stories about the delicious sandwiches enjoyed by Jared and Clay Henry. These are stories about interesting things that happen while I am on New York’s MTA Subway.


Clay Henry: Scoring Jared’s sweet sloppy seconds

Lots of fun stuff happens on the subway. Like the time I saw a guy take a big hit off a can of compressed air and pass out. Or the time during morning rush hour when a girl fainted right in front of me. Or the time I got frisked on the platform by a cop because my ex-girlfriend would not exit the station (she was mad at me).

Tonight something else fun happened. I got on the A train at Canal headed to Brooklyn. I sat down and was about to open my book when I noticed the fella sitting across from me was doing the Tom Cruise Hands from the movie Minority Report.


“C’mon! Vogue! No, don’t open Photoshop! Vogue dammit! Vogue!”

Remember that ridiculous maestro hand dance he did in that movie? The one that made us all completely crack up in unison because of how utterly gay it was?

That’s right. That’s what this guy was doing. After a few minutes of this, I was completely convinced he was surfing the web OF THE FUTURE!

But let’s get back to Minority Report.That was such a retarded scene. Tom Cruise would lead us to believe that when he uses the computer he puts on some classical music, dims the lights, then proceeds to wave his hands around like a sugarplum fairy. Then he would take these GIGANTIC discs and move them to other areas of the computer.

So, let me get this straight Steven Spielberg. In the future I can move information on a transparent screen by prancing around like Brian Boitano, but you’re telling me I am going to have to move floppy discs the size of TV trays from one end of the room to the other every minute or so? Riiiiight.

Maybe I shouldn’t blame Steven Spielberg or the Computer of the Future for the fruitiness. It’s true Tom Cruise does have a history of making things gay. Well, the Interpretive Hand Dance of the Future was the gayest thing Tom Cruise had done in a long time. In fact it was so gay, I’m sure that kid from the 1989 movie The Wizard could kick Cruise’s ass with a few flicks of the radical keypad on his NES Power Glove.


“Prepare to meet your old pal Goose, b*tch!”

On second thought, it wouldn’t have mattered if they had cast Clint Eastwood to do the computer dance—even he would’ve looked like a Nancy. I mean, that’s probably the WORST idea for the future there is, right?

Well…

As I was doing a little research before writing this post, I serendipitously came across this article from the Wall Street Journal written a few days ago about this very subject.

A woman named Pamela Barry thinks the Tom Cruise Finger Mitten Dance is a great idea. So great in fact, she hunted down John Underkoffler, the guy who dreamt it up for the movie, to help her develop it for military use. That’s right. She wants our Real American Heroes to kill Evildoers with jazz hands.

“Your hand becomes a Swiss Army knife,” Underkoffler says.

Oh really Johnny? A Swiss Army knife?

Somebody bring me my Power Glove. I’ve got some ass-kicking to do.