Mustache vs. Sans Mustache

I admit, I have not been following the Michael Jackson trial. But have you heard this?

Geraldo Rivera believes Jackson is innocent. So much so, that he will in fact SHAVE OFF HIS MUSTACHE if Jackson is found guilty. “Having investigated the facts and circumstances leading up to his indictment and everything that’s happened since, I’m absolutely convinced that he is being framed,” Rivera said.

Now this got me thinking. No, not about how much of a wackjob Geraldo is, but about the power of le ’stache.


Geraldo con ’stache

Think about it. If Geraldo actually does go through with shaving off his mustache, he will in effect be committing career suicide. For it is written, once the mustache gods elevate a man into a power position, they shall smite him who has the gall to shave whilst in power.

Read: don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

What? You don’t believe me? Well please allow me to present Exhibit A: Tom Selleck. When you hear the name “Tom Selleck” you probably draw a blank. That’s because most people only know him by his mustachioed moniker “Magnum P.I.”


Magnum Freaking P.I.

Yes, back in the day Tom Selleck was the man. He was untouchable, that is, except by the ladies, if you know what I mean. He ruled the islands of Hawaii. If you were wanted for pineapple thievery or any other unsavory actions in the South Pacific, you had better watch your back. Within an hour, including commercial breaks, Magnum would have had you handcuffed face-down in a pile of poi wishing you were never born.

So what happened to Selleck after Magnum P.I.? Oh, I’ll tell you what happened. He shaved his mustache and fell off the face of God’s Green Earth, that’s what happened.


Some old ugly dude

Moving on to Exhibit B: Alex Trebek. Alex suavely worked his mustache all the way to tip-top of the game show host food chain. With a neatly groomed mustache, he took Chuck Woolery by his ankles and shook all the loose change from his pockets. In one swift move he had Pat Sajak begging for mercy. I won’t even tell you the awful things he did to Marc Summers.


Alex with mustache and attractive, albiet matronly, guest

Alex had everything a game show host could want. Power, glory, money, women. But he got cocky. He shaved the ’stache. And now we couldn’t pick his face out from a crowd if he were wearing a Daily Double sandwich board and Merv Griffin as a hat.


Alex without mustache or last shred of dignity

Exhibit C: Mike Bellotti, head coach, Oregon Ducks football. Bellotti has been head coach of my beloved Ducks since 1995. He came in, mustache and all and brought the Ducks to the brink of a National Championship in 2002.


With ’stache, focused

So what did he do? He shaved his mustache. Joey Harrington and Onterrio Smith immediately went to the NFL, his wife left him, and he even missed getting to a bowl game entirely last season. Soon he’ll be pushing a shopping cart around the Knight Library mumbling about facial hair and the Indiana game.


Without ’stache, confused, disoriented

For my final statement I’d like to speak directly to the mustachioed.

Men, you’ve been blessed. You’ve been blessed with a bushel of hair atop your lip that is as good as the muscle of 100 Clydesdales, the brain of Albert Einstein and the debonair of Frank Sinatra combined. Please, don’t take what has been bestowed to you for granted. For if you do, I will not be held accountable. Now that you have been warned, if you do shave that proud icon, you must stand before God and all of mankind and answer to us why you have done such a selfish, thoughtless deed.

May God have mercy on your clean-shaven soul.

Your witness, counselor.


“Remember kids, with a mustache you can do anything!”