I’m a patriot, are you?

Well, I’d like you all to know I did my patriotic duty today. My duty as a tax-paying, French-hating American citizen. And let me tell you, this puts to shame any GOD BLESS AMERICA bumper sticker, Will Ferrell thong or AIDS quilt you could throw at me.


nice try, grandma

I donated my hard-earned money, and in return will be receiving Dennis Madalone’s “America We Stand As One” music video on DVD in 3-4 weeks.

You may be asking, “Coz, why tells us about your donation?” And to that I answer, “because I like to brag.” You may also be asking, “Why not just donate. Why do YOU need to receive something in return?” And to that I answer, “eff you, Nazi.”

Giving generously only to receive goods and services in tenfold is the American way. Because if you’re asking America to change, then you’re asking America to park our H3T, put down our 64oz. Mountain Dew and come over there and whoop your commie ass for treason. Are we clear, amigo?


lemme turn down my Toby Keith CD first

Also, how dare you for trying to keep anybody from an “American Rock Anthem [that] fills you full of hope and comforts you with a spiritual message from our Loved Ones, that they’re still with us, but in a different way.” (americawestatndasone.com)

Wait a second. Did they just say what I quoted? Let me check. Yep. Are they f**ing NUTS???

That’s a mighty big promise, especially coming from ex-Star Trek stunt coordinator gone Homeland Security Rocker Dennis “Danger” Madalone. I mean, thanks for raising money for a good cause Denny, but if I’m reading this correctly, you’re saying that you have a spiritual message from my Loved Ones that will fill me full of hope and comfort me!?!

You?

Denny Madalone?

My Loved Ones chose you, of all people, to speak to me?


“They call me Madalone. Danger Madalone.”

And what did they tell you to say? “That they’re still with us in a different way?” Jeez, thanks Denny for telling me something I didn’t already learn on any given episode of Highway to Heaven. Does that mean somebody’s dead fireman dad was speaking to Michael Landon every Sunday night on NBC in the late ’80s?


“Whoa, Denny’s pretty high up on that rock!”

Oh, by the way folks, when you look at the video you may think you’re looking at Steve Perry from Journey, but nope that’s Dennis Madalone. A guy with not one iota of musical history. None. Where does a guy like this get off making music in the name of America’s Dead People? I don’t know what century you’re in Denster, but around here you have to at least get runner-up on American Idol to have those kind of privileges.


the wheel in the sky keeps on killing our Loved Ones

But you lucked out this time Denny old man.

I mean, these are some genius lyrics. the USAAAAAAAYYYYY / Amer-ack-ugh, we stand as one / the USAAAAAAAYYYYY

Not to mention you selected a chord progression that no one has ever tapped: Em / C / G / D, and all in 4/4 time no less! (I figured it out in two seconds. Now you can impress your friends and hot chicks at parties and camping trips. You’re welcome.)

And how about that video. That’s the best debut video I’ve ever seen. “Danger,” you and your director Rob may-as-well-be-Steven-Freaking-Spielberg Bowman have actually checked off almost everything on the Billboard List Of What It Takes To Rock An American Rock Anthem Video™ list. Check it out:

Becoming possessed by Loved Ones’ spirits: CHECK
Moon 10 times the size of actual moon: CHECK
Singing to no one in particular while atop a rock: CHECK
Getting washed away by an American flag ocean wave: CHECK
Moving the Statue of Liberty to some other random body of water: CHECK
Hand-shaking firemen in a cloud: CHECK
Silhouetted face singing to the sky like a turkey drowning in the rain: CHECK
Making a black child’s head glow with touch of hand on playground: CHECK
Extra tight, torn blue jeans: CHECK
Magically turning boring rock formation into Mt. Rushmore: CHECK
Hitting the high notes right behind a wife and child who are at the cemetery mourning their dead husband and father: CHECK
Making sure you have an American flag(s) with you at all times: CHECK
Beheading a Canadian:

Oh, so close Denny. So close.

Well, with such a great effort, and the fact that it’s for charity, I can’t keep from forgiving you. Come here you no-talent-Steve-Perry-looking-USA-tank-top-wearing-Trekky-nerd-musical-trainwreck. I love you. And I love AMERICA!

The USAAAAAAAYYYYY!

* America We Stand As One and Dennis Madalone did not authorize or assist in the production, creation, or concept behind alternative “spoof” videos of America We Stand As One. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY IMITATIONS!

**Sorry I only have one crappy Dennis Madalone photo. They’re hard to find. Maybe I’ll be able to post some once I get the DVD.