Ladies, have you given up?

No, no. Don’t tell me. I just need a quick look at you.

I know you’re probably thinking I must be some kind of chauvinist jerk to claim that I can tell just by looking at a woman whether she’s given up on life or not. But I can, okay? Can you just accept that I have a gift? And if you’ll stop your whining for two seconds I’ll tell you my secret. Are you done?

Alright. Here it is: It’s all in the hairdo.

That’s right. I don’t need to look at your ring finger. I don’t need to see how many car seats you have in the backseat nor do I need to read some boring suicide note you’ve just written. Just show me your hair. If you’ve got the mom haircut, that’s all I need to know.


threw in the towel

Now I don’t have a problem with actual moms having mom haircuts. In fact, that’s a good idea. Men, encourage your wife and mother of your children to get the mom haircut. It’s like OFF!™ spray, but instead of repelling insects it repels other men.

Hey! Stop scoffing! I’m not just some ass saying this. American Freaking Baby.com is saying the same thing. In fact they say the mom haircut is Mommy Milestone #5. I shit you not.

The problem with the mom haircut is that single, childless women continue to opt for this horrendous hairstyle. Someone somewhere (I’ll go out on a limb and say Oprah) is telling women that this haircut is not only acceptable, but that it is cute and attractive. Ladies, listen to me when I say that NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.


evil, barren, bitter purveyor of lies!

Getting the mom haircut if you are not a mom is UNNATURAL. Men are visual. We pick up on visual cues you give us to let us know if you are available. Hence the invention of miniskirts, push-up bras and Paris Hilton. And if you want more evidence, look no further than the animal world. Females change color, make strange yipping sounds and emit odors to let males know they’re available. You don’t see animals in the wild trying their darnedest to look like they’re NOT in heat. Can you imagine a female baboon hiding her enflamed posterior because some other rich, loud-mouthed baboonette with her own afternoon TV show told her to? No. You would never see that. Why? BECAUSE THAT IS INSANE.


two things that should never go together:
the mom haircut and devil fingers

This is the same reason you never see single men driving minivans. Minivans do not say “hey ladies! I’m flying solo tonight, so hop on in.” No, they say, “uh what’s that honey? Milk? We need milk? Okay. And tampons? Again? Okay, okay.”


neutered dad on board!

Please know that I am not doing this for my own benefit. I have many close female friends that have fallen for this lie and it’s a very, very sad thing to see happen. I only give this public service announcement because of my unconditional care for these women. If this happens to keep one single woman from getting the mom haircut, and in turn having a boyfriend, who may or may not be me, then this has all been worth it.

To further my point, I spent countless hours on the internet looking for photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt with short hair, and I have not found a single one.

***UPDATE***

Okay, a few hours later I found one, but c’mon. She could have wet paper bag for hair and she’d still be hot.