Stick to baseball questions ONLY

I was in the men’s room reading the latest ESPN magazine today, and I have to say, professional athletes are some of the dumbest, most boring people on the planet.

Case in point: ESPN’s “Icebreaker” article. Basically a quarter-page Q & A with a pro athlete. Here it is verbatim. I’ve also added some comments the interviewer was thinking at the time, in parentheses. How do I know what the interviewer was thinking? Just trust me on this one.


ICEBREAKER

Brett Myers, Pitcher, Phillies


I pitch baseball! Yay!

LAST MOVIE YOU SAW I can’t even tell you, it’s been so long. When you have a 2-year-old at home, it’s kind of tough to get out.

(Hey Brett, Just come up with something, okay? You’re being interviewed for a major national publication. It doesn’t matter what it was, as long as it wasn’t Garden State. That movie sucked. And if your miniscule brain would’ve understood the question correctly, I wasn’t asking what was the last movie you saw IN THEATERS, rather simply what was the last movie you saw PERIOD. So, if what you say is true, that “it’s kind of tough to get out,” I imagine you’re watching a lot of movies on DVD or VHS or HBO or something, right? So what the f**k was it Brett? What was the last movie you saw? This isn’t rocket science! In fact I’ll take Rocket Science as an answer, and I don’t even know if that’s a real movie or not.)

ELMO OR BARNEY Elmo. Not Barney. I hate Barney, can’t even watch him. Elmo on Sesame Street, that I’ll watch.

(Okay, an answer. Good Brett. Good boy. Here’s a Milk Bone. Note to self: Brett is better at multiple choice questions than open-ended ones. Scratch that. He’s good at either/or questions. I’m not sure that I want to introduce multiple choices. If I do, I could have a major breakdown on my hands. Also note questions dealing with children television programming may be an area I want to come back to if things get too complicated.)

SUPERHERO YOU WOULD BE Probably the Incredible Hulk, just because he’s a monster. He’s strong and can do everything. Just to be ripped like that. And I grew up watching it everyday on TV. Plus, if anyone pissed me off in the clubhouse, I could rip out of my shirt.

(I really sensed I should stick with the cartoon questions and I was right. An actual answer. Picking up quite a few homo-erotic overtones in his answer: wanting to be ripped and wanting to rip out of his shirt in front of a group of men. Also it’s evident that his teammates are making fun of him in the clubhouse, perhaps because he has a small package?)

FIRST JOB I’ve only had one. When I was 15, I worked in a car wash. The manual-labor stuff was not good. Bending over a car from 7 in the morning until 5 in the afternoon? That’s not fun.

(You’ve had only ONE FIRST JOB? No f**king way! Hey Brett, I’ve had like 74 first jobs! Motherf**ker this guy’s a tool! And again, note more homo-erotic tendencies: bending over a car from 7 to 5. I have a hunch that bending over was not the un-fun part of that job for Brett.)

FIRST GIRLFRIEND I have no idea when it was. What’s a good age to say? I want to seem cool. I was 2. Yeah, that’s it. I saw her swinging on the monkey bars at preschool and made my move! Well, not really.

(Again, this knob has no sense of time. Ever heard of a watch or a calendar or f**king birthdays Captain Lightbulb? Even Tom Forrest-Freaking-Gump Hanks was able to check off the days with feces on the side of a slab of rock to tell how long he’d been in that dammed FedEx commercial of a movie Castaway. And there’s NO WAY you were in preschool at age 2 Copernicus. Jeez, at least get your preschool age correct. I mean you say you have a 2-year-old at home, so is that Baby Einstein in preschool yet? And you have to make pretend for your first girlfriend? Are you kidding me? Was life that much of a whirlwind for you man? Did you not know that coming here today we were going to ask you some bullsh*t questions about your life? Maybe you should’ve called your mom before you got into the limo to come over here, or were you too busy bending over it?)



Man that interviewer is a real jerk, huh?