Office Restroom Etiquette

Okay, I’d like to make a couple of announcements regarding the men’s room on the 4th floor.

ONE: If you don’t have a penis or are a midget, please don’t attempt to use the urinals. You see, peeing in the GENERAL AREA of the urinals does nobody any good. Once you’re done making your puddle, people taller than 4' with a penis have to wade in your urine while trying to use the urinal you missed. It’s not fun. This is not a prison, mental ward, or gas station outside Topeka, and I assume everyone who uses the men’s room here has graduated from college, so logic would say using a urinal correctly wouldn’t be a problem. But evidently it is. So if you’re batting less than 1.000 at getting urine into the urinal, may I suggest sitting down at a toilet and peeing like a girl.

TWO: Hey, nature boy. You are not saving the planet any water by not flushing your pee after you’re done relieving yourself. Why? Because no one wants to pee in a pee-filled urinal. So when somebody uses the urinal after your lazy ass, he has to flush your stinky piss down before he can start relieving his self, thus rendering your feeble attempt at conservancy null and void, and actually makes it a rude, disgusting gesture. Want to let the yellow mellow at home? Fine, but not in your office restroom, Grizzly Adams.

THREE: I know this isn’t a restaurant and you’re not required by law to do this, but do everyone a favor and take 10 seconds to wash your hands after using the bathroom. It’s the right thing to do. But if you’re still not convinced that washing your hands is something you want to do, at least when someone else is in the restroom, turn on the sink for a second and make them believe you are. Because now to that other person in the restroom you’re no longer just that guy who makes way more money than them. You’re that dick who doesn’t wash his hands after taking a sh*t.

Thank you. That is all.