Sweater’s NYC Travel Tips®

Captain Buddy and my sis atop the Empire State Building.

I know I shouldn’t be making excuses for being gone for such a long time, but when you’re showing the fam around NYC, you don’t have much time for posting. If we weren’t on the subway or in a cab or in line at the Statue of Liberty’s gift shop, we were spending quality time in my apartment watching Oswald.


Fred Savage sings songs about ice cream.

I know you’ll all be coming to visit me soon, so let me give you a few tips well in advance before you make the trek to the Big Apple.

1) You will be walking. There are no parking lots or drive-thrus or handicap-ramps in the city. There are stairs. And sidewalks. And more stairs. Then a few more. Make sure you’re up for a small hike every day, or arrange to rent a Rascal®. And if you are fortunate enough to rent a Rascal®, I’m not dragging it up the stairs for you.


The new Rascal®
Water your plants! Drown your grandchildren!

2) It is very unlikely that you will die here while visiting, so please, don’t worry about it. There is a better chance of you winning the lottery while getting struck by lightning while being by eaten by a shark with rabies than you getting killed by a terrorist attack, stray bullet in a drive-by shooting, runaway subway train, taxi accident or falling off the Empire State Building combined.

3) When you get on the subway you have about 3 seconds to sit or hold on. Otherwise you’re going to end up in this guy’s lap.


Next stop: Dork Square

4) Prepare for your personal bubble to vacuum-seal itself around your body. The rule is, if you aren’t sharing pants with them, they’re not in your personal space.


Goes from personal bubble to meat casing in one easy step!

5) For some reason everyone who works at a store in New York City doesn’t know where anything is once you get outside the store. Just because they are working in city, and probably have a residence somewhere in the five boroughs does not mean they know the name of the street they are on.* In fact, there’s a better chance that guy wearing Bermuda shorts and black socks standing on the corner knows where you want to go. No, not that guy wearing Bermuda shorts, the one holding the I ♥ NY bag.

6) Have fun!**

*This goes doubly for people with foreign accent.
**This also goes doubly for people with foreign accent.

One other note from the weekend in the city with my mom, sis and nephew.

On the L into Manhattan with my sis, I saw the Daily Show with Jon Steweart’s Ed Helms. I didn’t say anything to him because we were both wearing western shirts and I thought it might look a little gay for one western shirt guy to approach another. Plus, I didn’t have anything to say but, "hey you’re on the Daily Show!" and "hey, nice western shirt!" Plus, he was busy reading a catalog for inflatable pool toys for children.

I hope he has a pool. And kids for that matter. Because if not, that’s a little cuckoo.


The Ed Helms you know.


The Ed Helms I know.