Colors & Textures (of my stool)

***WARNING***
This post is about my personal bodily functions, so you may want to put down that ham sandwich.


Okay, so I’m a little freaked out.

A strange thing’s been happening. Something that’s never happened before. And for the love of God it won’t stop.

My stool is green. Bright green. Like, so green it’s almost blue. Like green enough for an Irishman to don it on St. Patrick’s day without a second thought about it. Seriously, it looks like I pooped a few poop-shaped 2000 Flushes tablets.


More green, but you get the idea.

Five consecutive BMs have been this color. Five. One more green BM and I’m going to have to start counting them on TWO hands.

I’m afraid. Hold me? Hold me!


Look! It’s Al Eisen, inventor of 2000 Flushes®.
He’s helping me count off my green BMs. He’s
making a FIVE in this picture, but his thumb got
amputated in a horrible flushing accident in 1996.

After I calmed down, I tried to figure out what could be causing these pastel dumps.

I haven’t made any drastic changes in my diet, although I noticed the other day that I had a lot of artificially-orange-colored foods. I had a Kraft Single® on my turkey sandwich, a small bag of Doritos® and a Diet Sunkist® all within a 24-hour span. But Ziploc® commercials have told me that orange and orange do not make green, that’s yellow and blue. So that couldn’t be it.


Doritos® have done some pretty monstrous things to
my BMs before, but turning them green was never one of them.

With nowhere to turn, besides calling a doctor, which I wouldn’t do unless I was dying (I hate doctors), I went to the world wide web to see if it could shed some light on my odd-hued poo.


"What’s that? Green? Randy! Get in here, you have to hear this."

I came across this website titled: HOW TO ASSESS YOUR GENERAL HEALTH BY LOOKING AT YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENT.

It starts off with two questions.

Do you ever stop to smell and look at your bowel movement?

No, except when I turn around to flush and see the toilet water looking like Lime Kool-Aid. Then I might do a double take.

Are you the kind of person who flushes the toilet before you get off of it?

No, I don’t like to get my ass soaking wet right before I pull up my pants. But I’m not the type to dry my kids off and tuck them into bed after dropping them off at the pool either. Jeesh.

Then, after the quiz, was the most insulting statement I’ve ever read. Most people are carrying a septic tank around all the time. And that septic tank has not been pumped out for many years. The septic tank I am talking about is YOUR COLON. Wow. That’s worse than any "yo momma" joke I’ve ever heard. Can you imagine gettin’ served this? "Oh yeah? Well you’re a septic tank that has not been pumped out for many years!" How do you retaliate? You can’t. It’s the ultimate slam.


"Yo boyyyeee, you got served, sh*t style!"

Anyway, color didn’t come up until the third step. It says that stool should be YELLOWISH in color. It said it may be DARK GREEN if I’ve eaten green vegetables, which I have and do normally, but this type of green I’ve never seen. The only colors it said to be alarmed with are BLACK, RED and GRAYISH WHITE.


Also of note, according to the Homeland Security Advisory System
my turds are at a LOW to GUARDED risk of terrorist attacks.

What I gathered from this page was that I should be spending a lot more time investigating the toilet before I flush, and that healthy stool is YELLOWISH, SOFT AND FLUFFY, NON-GREASY, AND FREE OF FOUL ODOR. Oh yeah, and that I’m a walking SEPTIC TANK THAT HAS NOT BEEN PUMPED OUT FOR MANY YEARS.


The rarely-achieved perfect stool.

So, I guess I will still be wondering what these green poos really mean. If any of you have any knowledge of what I might be suffering from (or blessed with) let me know. Words of encouragement and love are also appreciated.

Thank you for listening, and enjoy your dinner.