Thursday, July 28, 2005

Death Without Dignity

A couple of days ago some of us in the office were discussing which would be the least dignified way to be found dead:

The Michael Hutchence
Being found dead hanging from a leather belt with your member in your hand from attempting auto erotic asphyxiation, or…

The Mama Cass
Being found dead from having apparently choked to death on a ham sandwich.

Well, the debate was heated to say the least, but something recently came to my attention that I believe trumps both of those. What could have possibly happened to outdo either undignified death? I saw an Applebee’s commercial.

Actually, before I saw the commercial, I heard the familiar sounds of the late Robert Palmer. It was the song “Simply Irresistible.” A song which I had some respect for, mainly because whenever I hear it I’m reminded of those hot chicks with red lips he always had in his videos.


”She’s good, but can we get like 20 more?”

But when I looked up, I saw this:


IRRESIST-A-BOWLS!

What? That’s not a row of hot chicks! That’s a spinning bowl of food! How dare someone play with my fragile emotions like that. At the sight of that I became outraged. At the time, I did not know Robert Palmer had passed away. I simply thought he had sold out and not only let a corporation use his song for a fee, but use it in conjunction with a God-awful pun.

But thanks to Kristy, she let me know he’s dead, so I can’t blame Robert “I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On” Palmer. I have to blame his money grubbing family.

Now my previously untainted image of Robert Palmer singing about how “Some Like It Hot” with a crew of dancing hotties is gone, replaced with the horrific vision of a family of four feasting on bowls of pork and broccoli.

So Palmer family, while you’re enjoying your heaps of fresh cash in the UK, your beloved’s legacy is taking a nose-dive over here in USA. Yep, the good ol’ USA, where unassuming citizens continue to get barraged with Applebee’s propaganda that pun-whores-out dead people’s songs. I hope you’re happy.

On second thought Palmers, don’t let me stop you from selling him out. There’s plenty of cash left to be made from “Simply Irresistible.” For instance, you could sell the song to a hearing-aid manufacturer.


SIMPLY EAR-RESISTIBLE!

Or how about a wholesale furniture store?


SIMPLY IRRESIS-TABLE!

Or maybe Applebee’s wants to start offering a new product: EAR-RESIST-A-BOWLS!!!


I don’t have a picture of an Ear-Resist-A-Bowl, so I thought I’d share this picture of a freaky Celine Dion impersonator.


CUE ROBERT PALMER’S “SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE.”

ROBERT PALMER: Simply EAR-RESIST-A-BOWL…

VOICE OVER: Yeaowhah! Applebee’s is unleashing another zesty party upon your tongue! EAR-RESIST-A-BOWLS!

ROBERT PALMER: She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went…

VOICE OVER: A heaping bowl of random animal and/or human ears grilled to perfection and topped with our zingy Pico De Gallo Tartar sauce!

ROBERT PALMER: …now I find her…Simply EAR-RESIST-A-BOWL…

TAGLINE/VO: Applebee’s. You love Robert Palmer so much, you’ll eat anything.


Yeah, before any of that happens, somebody get me a ham sandwich AND a sturdy leather belt. I’ve got a shred of dignity to maintain.



Don’t forget, every Ear-Resist-A-Bowl comes with a toy ear for the kids!

5 Comments:

At 1:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my God, I just saw this commercial tonight! I turned to Steve and said "How do you sell out when you're dead?"

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger Kim Plaintive said...

I read on a Robert Palmer fan site that he loved Applebee's when he was alive -- it was his favorite restaurant. The "irresist-a-bowl" concept actually came from his family, who approached Applebee's about it after dining there on the late Palmer's birthday and discussing how the cuisine could be enhanced by presenting it in bowls.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Jootastic said...

Ew.

 
At 3:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those women in his videos, yes. They all wore black rubber dresses. I used to wonder how they got them on. My boyfriend at the time suggested that they started with the dress at the top and unrolled them, condom-like. Then he closed his eyes and got this sort of dreamy expression on his face. Gross.

 
At 10:24 PM, Blogger Meg Q said...

I'm here way late; directed by Relapsed Catholic. But thanks, you made me LOL. --Personally, though Michael Hutchence is up there in the "eeeww" way-to-go category, I still have to go with Elvis, though perhaps that is because I'm an American and, because it happened when I was 5, my mother couldn't even really describe it to me at the time. Ah thankya verra much.

Though I was at a U2 concert the night after Michael Hutchence died and their people had quickly put together a "tribute" to him. Of course no mention of how he went, you wouldn't when the man is barely cold, but we all felt rather strange about it, I think others there did too.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home