It’s springtime

I’ve fallen in love at least once a day this week.

Wondering what was going on, I realized we’re in full-fledged spring. This is the first real week of nice warm weather New York has seen so far this year. And the first week of warm weather is when the girls come out.

It’s been a long time since the girls have been out. I would say sometime late September to early October. But they’re back, and let me tell you. This is a great girl season.

Some of you (ugly girls) are probably wondering what I mean by "girl season." Well allow me to explain.

When the weather is nice and warm, beautiful girls appear. Bad weather, beautiful girls are nowhere to be found. Good weather, there she is. Don’t believe me? Take a spring course at any college campus North of about the 35th parallel. The first couple of months during the dreary weather you will not notice girls. But once the weather gets nice, right around the tail end of May, beginning of June there they are. On campus. In your class. At the student union. EVERYWHERE.

So, where are the beautiful girls the other 6-8 months of the year? Well in the name of science and hot chicks, I have come up with two theories.

THEORY 1: THE HIBERNATION THEORY

The Hibernation Theory suggests that beautiful girls, like the hottest animals of all woodland creatures, bears, hibernate during the winter months. This is a valid theory for many reasons.

Sleep. Women need "beauty sleep" right? So if girls are getting six to eight straight months of beauty sleep what’s going to stop them from being hot? I submit NOTHING AT ALL.

Eating disorders. Beautiful women are always getting accused of having eating disorders. Well, maybe we’re just seeing them scarf it down right before hibernation. Perhaps unbeknownst to us they’re getting ready for the half of a year they’re going to be sleeping. Then when you see them again in the spring, sure they look waify, but it’s just the hibernation burning off the binge they went on in the fall, not constant purging.

Common knowledge. You know how when you ask a hot girl if they know about a movie or a TV show or politics, and they don’t have any idea what you’re talking about? Well that’s because they’ve been asleep for months. Duh. You try sleeping for six months and then try thinking about anything other than your hair. I imagine it would be extremely difficult.

THEORY 2: THE MIGRATION THEORY

The Migration Theory suggests that beautiful girls, like the hottest animals of all flying things, birds, fly south for the winter. This is also a valid theory for many reasons.

Wild On. Have you ever seen that show on E! called "Wild On" where they tour locations where hot girls are partying? They are always in warm weather locales like Bali and the Bahamas and other tropical islands with bubble machines. You never see Wild On: Bismark, North Dakota or Wild On: Siberia. In fact I’ll go out on a limb and wager you’ll never see that.

“I’m cold!” Girls complain about being cold all the time.* A brisk breeze is a girl’s kryptonite. So of course their natural instincts are to flee it. Here’s an experiment: find your office’s A/C controls. Turn down the temperature to 67 degrees. Then keep your ears open. Listen carefully as the women gather and whine about it being cold. Sound an awful lot like a gaggle of geese flying south for the winter, don’t they?

Bathroom buddies. Girls never go to the restroom alone. They always bring as many of their girlfriends as possible. The only logical way to explain this is that it is practice for migration. Birds instinctively know how to fly in a V formation. Girls instinctively know when one of their friends is going to the ladies’ room and follow her in. Coincidence? I think not.

So there you have it.

Oh, gotta go. There’s a flock coming this way.

* It is also my theory that girls are not warm-blooded mammals, but in fact cold-blooded reptiles. But I’ll save that for another post.