Monday, June 13, 2005

It’s springtime

I’ve fallen in love at least once a day this week.

Wondering what was going on, I realized we’re in full-fledged spring. This is the first real week of nice warm weather New York has seen so far this year. And the first week of warm weather is when the girls come out.

It’s been a long time since the girls have been out. I would say sometime late September to early October. But they’re back, and let me tell you. This is a great girl season.

Some of you (ugly girls) are probably wondering what I mean by "girl season." Well allow me to explain.

When the weather is nice and warm, beautiful girls appear. Bad weather, beautiful girls are nowhere to be found. Good weather, there she is. Don’t believe me? Take a spring course at any college campus North of about the 35th parallel. The first couple of months during the dreary weather you will not notice girls. But once the weather gets nice, right around the tail end of May, beginning of June there they are. On campus. In your class. At the student union. EVERYWHERE.

So, where are the beautiful girls the other 6-8 months of the year? Well in the name of science and hot chicks, I have come up with two theories.

THEORY 1: THE HIBERNATION THEORY

The Hibernation Theory suggests that beautiful girls, like the hottest animals of all woodland creatures, bears, hibernate during the winter months. This is a valid theory for many reasons.

Sleep. Women need "beauty sleep" right? So if girls are getting six to eight straight months of beauty sleep what’s going to stop them from being hot? I submit NOTHING AT ALL.

Eating disorders. Beautiful women are always getting accused of having eating disorders. Well, maybe we’re just seeing them scarf it down right before hibernation. Perhaps unbeknownst to us they’re getting ready for the half of a year they’re going to be sleeping. Then when you see them again in the spring, sure they look waify, but it’s just the hibernation burning off the binge they went on in the fall, not constant purging.

Common knowledge. You know how when you ask a hot girl if they know about a movie or a TV show or politics, and they don’t have any idea what you’re talking about? Well that’s because they’ve been asleep for months. Duh. You try sleeping for six months and then try thinking about anything other than your hair. I imagine it would be extremely difficult.

THEORY 2: THE MIGRATION THEORY

The Migration Theory suggests that beautiful girls, like the hottest animals of all flying things, birds, fly south for the winter. This is also a valid theory for many reasons.

Wild On. Have you ever seen that show on E! called "Wild On" where they tour locations where hot girls are partying? They are always in warm weather locales like Bali and the Bahamas and other tropical islands with bubble machines. You never see Wild On: Bismark, North Dakota or Wild On: Siberia. In fact I’ll go out on a limb and wager you’ll never see that.

“I’m cold!” Girls complain about being cold all the time.* A brisk breeze is a girl’s kryptonite. So of course their natural instincts are to flee it. Here’s an experiment: find your office’s A/C controls. Turn down the temperature to 67 degrees. Then keep your ears open. Listen carefully as the women gather and whine about it being cold. Sound an awful lot like a gaggle of geese flying south for the winter, don’t they?

Bathroom buddies. Girls never go to the restroom alone. They always bring as many of their girlfriends as possible. The only logical way to explain this is that it is practice for migration. Birds instinctively know how to fly in a V formation. Girls instinctively know when one of their friends is going to the ladies’ room and follow her in. Coincidence? I think not.

So there you have it.

Oh, gotta go. There’s a flock coming this way.

* It is also my theory that girls are not warm-blooded mammals, but in fact cold-blooded reptiles. But I’ll save that for another post.

6 Comments:

At 12:32 PM, Blogger Veruca Salt said...

a flock? A flock of reptilian girls?

flock that

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger mollyblogger said...

Funny. My girlfriends and I have said the same about hot guys. They're suddenly out in droves and we have no idea where they came from.

We figured it's just that in winter time, it's too damn cold to actually look around. Or that in the winter time everyone looks like an eskimo... and who's attracted to eskimos... except other eskimos... and the occasional polar bear?

 
At 3:49 PM, Blogger Beatrice Petty said...

I believe the PC term is "Inuit"...

In agreement with Molly re: everyone being bundled up. I've had some days recently where I've thought "where the hell did that guy come from", but I also think that it's partly me being more open to seeing them. It's highly likely/ probable that I am in my own little world 99% of the time and thus pay no atention to what's going on around me.

Is there something I can take for that?

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger Claven said...

I submit to you the "ritz cracker" addendum to the hibernation theory. The hibernation theory is accurate in principle. But the ritz cracker angle adds dude perspective. As Eddie Murphy pointed out, if you give a starving man a cracker, he'll think its the greatest cracker he's ever had. Even going so far as to say "this isn't just a regular cracker. This must be a ritz cracker!" But after a few weeks back in civilization they'll realize, "Wait this is just a regular old cracker."

Having grown up and gone to college in the mid-atlantic area, I understand the girl season phenomenon. But having lived in San Diego for six years, I now understand that every girl gets a +2 modifier on the 10 point scale after dealing with cold, dark winters, with absolutely nothing to look at.

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger You can call me Betty said...

The hibernation and migration are both highly probable...
I know for a fact that I hibernate in a coma of tv series DVD's, a personal espresso machine, and comfy sweatpants (not the senior citizen sweat suits mind you...)through the bulk of the winter, to then wake up around the end of March in a daze, surrounded by empty M&M bags and reciepts for pizza...
So I will then concur with your hibernation theory, on the basis....that I don't want to be the only girl who eats her way through winter, hoping that it won't show in the "kini"....
-Happy Bird hunting...
Ann

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger TheFishmonger said...

For me, it was all about the scents. When I was in school, the crushing cold and wind of Oshkosh (mid-Wisconsin) winters shredded and scattered any trace of perfume that might have made it through the layers of sweaters and coats. Then, with spring, the warm air lifted the delightful scents of college girls onto the air, causing me to look about and see... skin roaming the sidewalks! For the first time in months... hmmmm... OK, maybe it's all about the skin. (Cripes, I'm starting to sound like an Overstock.com commercial. Time to go.)

 

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