Help my fantasy become reality.

I am trying to set up a Fantasy Football league and I need 5 more people to join. It's $40 and should be a hella good time. The draft is Sept. 5th. If you want to join or have a friend who wants to join, click the "contact the sweater" link on the bottom right of this page.

I love you all.

Coz

I get around.

I thought you might enjoy seeing me sharing a few moments with some of my closest friends. They’re my close friends because of my awesomeness (aka: one of my co-worker’s awesome photoshop skillz).

Don’t let these photos make you jealous or think that the Lou Diamond Phillips photo is not real. It is. Really.


“Listen Jen, it’s not you, it’s just that Angelina is so much hotter than you.”


“No George, not hot enough. You gotta add the pointing finger.”


“Shhh. Shhh, Cristy. Victoria’s secret is safe with me.”


“Sorry Catherine, not until Michael is dead, or at least a vegetable.”


“So you’re saying you’ve never been Molly McButter?”


“Wait a second, I thought I brought home Molly McButter. Who are you and what have you done with Molly McButter!”


“What’s that you’re smoking Cary? ’Baby seal eyes,’ you say? Well, whatever it is, it smells like ass.”

Distractions, distractions

Hey gang.

For those of you loyal enough to keep coming back even though there hasn’t been anything new on here for a while, I owe you all a back rub. An oily, candlelit backrub.

Until that luscious time, I’ll attempt to make some excuses.

Excuse #1: The part of the brain it takes to write a post is the same part of the brain I use for my job. So I’ve been working a lot lately, and when I get home or get a break the last thing I want to do is try to come up with something half-witty or creative or entertaining.

It’s like if you were a hot-dog-eating-contest-person and after your big contest I had you over for a BBQ. That’s probably the last thing you’d want.

Actually, probably the last thing you’d want is to see Gary Busey smiling at you.


Regurgitated hot dog in 3...2...

Excuse #2: When I do have a break or go home, I have so many things to distract me. Here are just some of the things that have been distractions for me in the past couple of days: DVR, fantasy football, real football, Puerto Rican parades, Kraft Singles, Dr. Mario, shin splints, mangos, Brillo pads, In Search Of…, myspace, podcasts, my guitar, dead birds, email, applesauce, Wilford Brimley, my calves, Hurricane Katrina, dolphins, elephants, doliphants, Alan Alda, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Celebrity Fit Club, NASCAR, flossing, shoelaces, my pulse, dead people, deli meat, dust, Unreal Tournament, Kids In the Hall, Battle of the Ad Bands, stationary bikes, girls on stairclimbers, girls on the subway, girls in orange dresses with cute toes on the subway, food in a cup, yawning, street lights, how fast the moon moves, D.B. Cooper, travel toothbrushes, soft serve, sniper rifles, Ziploc bags, how close I can throw a ball to the ceiling without hitting it, tongue flexibility, robots, cement, dog parks, dirt trails, night lights, and graphs.


So uh, yeah, sorry. I’ve got a lot more work to do this week, then I’m on vacation, so don’t hold your breath. But know this: I’m always thinking about you and that heaven-sent backrub you promised me.

A Few More Thoughts On Recent Advertising

Favorite slogan in a really long time:

Best Watch Your MTV’s.


Most unfortunate poster placement:

“The 40 Year-Old Virgin” next to “The Clairvoyant Child” of USA’s the 4400.


Don’t think she saw that one coming.


Worst celebrity endorsement:

Terry bald-as-a-doorknob Bradshaw as spokesperson for Supercuts.

Wha? Have you guys seen these commercials? Where Bradshaw talks about how his hair color is a “spring?” No Terry, it’s the dead of winter, and you’re a maple tree. That’s your hair color.

In fact, Supercuts loves Terry and his non-existent flowing locks so much, they made little computer games and cartoons that feature him on their website, like this one:


Between life and cream rinse, Terry chooses cream rinse.

Here you maneuver Terry around on a surfboard and pick up floating hair product while trying not to get eaten by the school of sharks in the water. Maybe that Blow Out guy Jonathan Antin should do a site like Supercuts to get more people into his salons. Nothing says “class,” or “haircuts” for that matter, like a flash animation game of, say, Wilford Brimley in a hang glider catching falling curling irons while avoiding vultures.

That one’s free, Jonathan. The rest will cost you. Dearly.


It’s the right thing to do, Jonathan.

DVAWESOME

I just got DVR (or TiVo, or whatever) a week ago, and man, I have been using the hell out of this thing.

Best use I’ve found for it so far: Being able to fast forward through Garfield: The Movie to the Jennifer Love Hewitt scenes, at my leisure.


Don’t worry Love. Daddy’s here.

Office Restroom Etiquette

Okay, I’d like to make a couple of announcements regarding the men’s room on the 4th floor.

ONE: If you don’t have a penis or are a midget, please don’t attempt to use the urinals. You see, peeing in the GENERAL AREA of the urinals does nobody any good. Once you’re done making your puddle, people taller than 4' with a penis have to wade in your urine while trying to use the urinal you missed. It’s not fun. This is not a prison, mental ward, or gas station outside Topeka, and I assume everyone who uses the men’s room here has graduated from college, so logic would say using a urinal correctly wouldn’t be a problem. But evidently it is. So if you’re batting less than 1.000 at getting urine into the urinal, may I suggest sitting down at a toilet and peeing like a girl.

TWO: Hey, nature boy. You are not saving the planet any water by not flushing your pee after you’re done relieving yourself. Why? Because no one wants to pee in a pee-filled urinal. So when somebody uses the urinal after your lazy ass, he has to flush your stinky piss down before he can start relieving his self, thus rendering your feeble attempt at conservancy null and void, and actually makes it a rude, disgusting gesture. Want to let the yellow mellow at home? Fine, but not in your office restroom, Grizzly Adams.

THREE: I know this isn’t a restaurant and you’re not required by law to do this, but do everyone a favor and take 10 seconds to wash your hands after using the bathroom. It’s the right thing to do. But if you’re still not convinced that washing your hands is something you want to do, at least when someone else is in the restroom, turn on the sink for a second and make them believe you are. Because now to that other person in the restroom you’re no longer just that guy who makes way more money than them. You’re that dick who doesn’t wash his hands after taking a sh*t.

Thank you. That is all.